Friday, October 4, 2013

Week 1

Speed 2: Cruise Control

8:30 AM, Sunday morning. In my basement. Holding a bag of Ruffle chips and a huge bottle of Sunny D.

I look at the DVD cover of the movie: Speed 2. Sandra Bulluck looks like she had a haircut, even though she has a full set of hair in the actual movie. Now, I've wanted to watch this movie ever since I heard about how it's one of the worst sequels of all time.

I've never watched the first movie but I got the jest of, after pondering whether or not to watch a better movie...I didn't have another I had no choice and popped this sucker right in the DVD player.

The movie starts and everything gets going. Sandra Bullock is speeding through traffic in order to pass a driving test....I'm surprised that she didn't kill anybody with her car...maybe she killed Keanu Reeves's character from the 1st would be a better explanation than breaking up in between movies. We don't have a stoic action star in this movie so we get Jason Patric, instead.

So, Bullock's character and Patric's character are dating and they go to where the majority of the movie takes place...a boat cruise....a very slow boat cruise. We get a bunch of characters which I don't care about...the only notable ones are a deaf girl and Jeremy Hotz, which I thought was a familiar face but when I saw the end credits, I found it was ACTUALLY him. Wow. Great casting. Get a guy who's kind of annoying and get him to play a character who is a bit irritating.

Oh yeah...and there's someone else...William Dafoe. Up until this point, I didn't know that he was in this movie. (I didn't even look at the back of the cover to look at who was in it) Before he even said a word, I was thinking... "

Yeah, this guy is the villain."

And then, after a few chip eating minutes, the plot gets going....something about the boat getting destroyed when it crashes into something...I stopped caring five minutes into the plot, mostly because I knew immediately what was wrong with the movie. The action is on a slow moving boat. While the action was going, I was thinking...

"Okay, the first movie took place on a fast moving bus that had to keep its speed up. In this movie, it's on a slow slow slow moving boat. I wonder if this movie wasn't suck a disaster, Speed 3 would be about a bicycle that would blow up if you get off of it."

So, after not caring about much and just eating the huge bag of chips, the boat is about to crash into an oil rig because Dafoe makes the cruise do that through some techno thing but the Patric character diverts it away...just for the boat to be headed for a small town. So, while the boat is crashing, I'm scratching my head, thinking,

"So, they avoided a disaster...only to crash into the small town, causing damage and possibly killing a few people. So, the Patric isn't really a hero if he's caused this much damage. Cool!"

All while Bullock's character has been kidnapped by Dafoe. Has she contributed anything in this movie? In fact, wasn't she kidnapped in the last movie? In fact, if Sandra Bullock wasn't in this movie...

Wait...I'm willing to bet this was a COMPLETELY different movie. Just take out Bullock out of the movie and replace her with ANY other actress...this isn't a Speed sequel. But, I guess because the 1st one made money...

Either way, this movie is horrible...and it's 2 hours long. A movie this slow and boring is 2 hours long! So many things could have been cut out of the film, kidnapping Bullock's character, a lot of the supporting characters, the whole plot, the fact that this is a clearly a standalone movie, not a Speed sequel. So, when the movie showed the end credits, I saw the horribly CG boat that had crashed into the town and that summed up the entire movie as a whole.

"This whole movie is a shipwreck."

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